he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
