but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
