she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
