I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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