My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
