I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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