Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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