Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
