dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
