did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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