i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
