Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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