is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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