He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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