I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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