I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
