Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
