so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
