So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
