Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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