I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
