I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Randomize
