why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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