I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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