apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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