i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
