I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Randomize
