I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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