Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
