The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
