Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
