If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
