I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
