Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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