Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
