i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
