My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
