Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
