I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
