The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
