At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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