Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
