Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
