Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
