I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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