I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
