Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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