fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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