My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
