the condom got lost in my hair
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
is wine microwaveable?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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