recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
