I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
