Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
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So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
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I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
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