I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
