sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
