we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
