I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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