I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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