I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
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im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
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Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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