dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
Sorry my hands just texted you
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.