my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?