No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.