I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
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i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
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He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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