I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
