whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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